Imran Khan – imrank.org

You’d start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, wake up in an old peoples’ home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. At retirement – 18 years of age – you drive the sports car you can actually enjoy!

You eat what you want, you party… and you get ready to start school. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then …

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day… And then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

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If these are true, then they are very amusing indeed!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

—————–

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

—————–

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

—————–

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

—————–

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

—————–

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

—————–

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

—————–

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

—————–

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

—————–

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….

—————–

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

—————–

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

—————–

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

—————–

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depositionnotice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on deadpeople?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

—————–

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

—————–

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy on him!

—————–

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

—————–

And this…. well what can I say…

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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Last week was my birthday and i didn’t feel very well, waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me as it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just You and Me.”

I said, “thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. let’s go!” We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two Martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I responded, “I guess not. what do you have in mind?” she said, “let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.” “OK.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there on the couch… NAKED.

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Bug 1
Nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as “CON”. This is something pretty cool and unbelievable. At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn’t answer why this happened!

Try it now and let me know.

Bug 2
For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1) Open an empty notepad file
2) Type “Bush hid the facts” (without the quotes)
3) Save it as whatever you want.
4) Close it, and re-open it.

Is it just a really weird bug?

Bug 3
This is something pretty cool and neat and unbelievable. At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn’t answer why this happened!

It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself…

Open Microsoft Word and type
=rand (200, 99)
and then press ENTER

See the magic

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A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, ‘Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

‘The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.’ The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that all men and I could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?’

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Download vegetable fun power point file and enjoy.

Click here to download file.

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Remember all those long hours during our school experience that we spent on memorizing how to spell words correctly.  The next example shows us that we may have wasted a lot of time in class and at home.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mind deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

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One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window – Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn – Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator – Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror – New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat – Italy

One hand on horn, one hand on holding gear, one ear listening to loud music, one ear on cell phone, one foot on accelerator, one foot on clutch, nothing on break, eyes on females in next car – Welcome to Pakistan!

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance – particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

———

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2, and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above applications can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash! Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

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