Imran Khan – imrank.org

A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts, Honey, could you fix the light in the hall way? It’s been flickering for weeks now.

He looked at her and says angrily, Fix the light now? Does it look like I have “POWERGEN”? I don’t think so!

Fine! Then wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.

To which he replied, Does it look like I have “FRIDGID AIRE” written on my forehead? I don’t think so!

Fine! She says. Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.

I am not a carpenter and I don’t want to fix steps. He says, does it look like I have “TAYLOR WOODROW” on my forehead? I don’t think so! I’ve had enough of this; I am going to the pub!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for couple of hours… He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how would all this get fixed? She said, well when you left I sat outside and cried, just then a nice young man asked me what was wring and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

Husband said, what kind of cake did you bake? She replied, hello… do you see “MR. KIPLING” written on my forehead. I don’t think so!

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UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and
‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is
the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The …?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What’s 11 squared?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . .
Contestant: Er . ..
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world’s largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … er…
er … three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er …. Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That’s close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

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Bakery Employee: Hello dis da Bakery, how can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.

Bakery Employee: Whatchu want ondacake?

Customer: “Best Wishes Suzanne”. And underneath that “We will miss you”.

Ha ha ha

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If A Barber Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW STYLE

If A Driver Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW PATH

If An Engineer Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW VENTURE

If Parents Make A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW GENERATION

If A Politician Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW LAW

If A Scientist Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW INVENTION

If A Tailor Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW INVENTION

If A Teacher Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW THEORY

If Our Boss Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW IDEA

If An Employee Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
“BIG F##K UP”

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My dear X Singh,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

I’m writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I won’t be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I’m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club’s poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love – Mom.

P.S. X Singh, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

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Over the past months I have forwarded funny pictures and jokes to friends and relatives whom I thought shared the same sense of humour.
 
Unfortunately this appears not to have been the case and I may have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.

From now on I will only send email’s with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.

Below, you’ll find a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris .

For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build.

Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. ‘Le Pont Neuf’ is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches.  

Fascinating.

Oops !

From where did she came from! May be, she was just passing by and got attracted by beautiful flowers.

Now you cannot count this as my mistake.

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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required  pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%..
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the bullshit!

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I received this from one of my friends and could not resist myself to share this with you guys.

A Wife is a Wife,
no matter who
THE HELL
you are!!

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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.

UNNEWS, Teh Intarwbe — Following months of eager anticipation from men and women across the world, UnNews has today announced the launch of UnValentine’s Day. UnNews’ chief propaganda executive, Dave, made the following statement from his underground cave in Sweden. “This momentous day will become a permanent fixture in the lives of countless millions of people, who for years have suffered in silence every February 14th.”

“But this day is not just for single losers who sit alone in their grotty bedsit with a warm plate of microwave macaroni, it is also for those unfortunate souls who remain trapped in pointless and doomed relationships.”

Dave has released a list of the types of people who are most likely to want to join in the celebrations of UnValentine’s Day:

• Men whose wives have put on more than two stone since they were married.
• Women whose husbands have put on more than three stone since they were married.
• Gay people.
• Couples who have sex only three times a year (two birthdays and Valentine’s Day).
• People who plan to leave their partners right after Valentine’s Day .
• Married couples who stay together ‘for the kids’.

Those who wish to partake in UnValentine’s Day are being advised to try one or more of the following activities:

• Send someone you hate an UnValentine’s card, to show them just how much you hate them.
• Rather than chocolates and flowers, send a bag full of razor blades, or put small pieces of glass in some chocolate. Use your imagination.
• For men who fall into categories one or six above, refuse to go to that expensive restaurant on February 14th, and spend the money on a case of Stella instead. You can then enjoy a restful evening by the TV.
• For women who fall into category four, let him spend all his hard earned cash in that expensive restaurant but keep those legs firmly shut when it comes to bedtime. You may need a good excuse, so try to think of something more believable than the usual ‘headache’. Herpes should work in this instance.
• For women whose husbands choose to enjoy a restful evening by the TV with a can of Stella on Thursday, try having an affair, possibly with your local UnNews reporter.

As well as being embraced by the working classes across the globe, UnValentine’s Day has also attracted much attention from politicians and celebrities, with a number of well known faces intending to participate. These include President George W Bush, who will send an UnValentine’s card to every single American citizen, and Paul McCartney, who plans to punch Heather in the face.

Source: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/

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A GYM in London has replaced its dumbbells with human weights – including dwarves who shout encouragement to motivate exercise.

Gymbox at Bank – in the centre of the capital’s financial district – today introduced its bizarre fitness regime with human weights ranging from a 155kg man to a 30kg female.

The human dumbbells wear black leotards with their weights printed across their chests and sit on adapted machines to let the weightlifter visualise what they are lifting.

Gymbox owner Richard Hilton said it wasn’t a gimmick but rather about having a human weightlifting device as the “ultimate embodiment of visualisation theory”.

“Creating a mental image or intention of what you want to happen or feel is proven to improve physical and psychological performance,” Mr Hilton said.

“We’re optimistic our members will see better results with our new human weight machine.”

The gym boss said the troupe would also shout encouragement.

The human weights range from “Dainty Diva” Arti Shah, 32, who weighs just 30kg, up to “Super Human” Matt Barnard, 37, who weighs 155kg. Other men and women in between weigh 55, 65 and 75 kilograms.

The gym has also been offering classes called “‘chav fighting” and “WAG workouts” designed to make women more attractive to footballers.

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