Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby’s Name
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Source: http://www.nanceestar.com/KidsParenthoodChanges.html

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Dear Madam:

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinkin and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday… That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day.. fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff wit anticipation.

Expecting soon

Yours and only yours
Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab

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They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, I’ll give each of you just one wish.

Me first! Me first! says the admin clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Puff! She’s gone.

Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Puff! He’s gone.

OK, you’re up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

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Before she says a word, Bob says, Iwill give you £800 to drop that towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, Who was that? It was Bob the next door neighbour, she replies. Great, the husband says, did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Subject: Images on your site

hello:

I must say, I am quite upset. I have been using images from your web site on my web site for long time now and suddenly they are gone. And I am concerned. I am using my web site to build up my business which is not easy and you should changed the location or deleted them or something.

My concern is that if you do not upload the images again I might have to contact my lawyer as I am using these images for the purpose of advertising and this sudden change without warning means I have to find where you have moved them and to get them working again.

Why would you do such a thing? I am an honest business man and small business like mine never get respect. I hope you realize it look me long time to find images I liked. Now I have to find your images again. Please put them back right away. I don’t think you want me to call my lawyer about this.

Please contact me either at this email or at xxx to resolve this matter.
Sincerely
xxx

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• Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: “So how’s your wife & my kids?”
• Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. “Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted.
• Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): “Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?” Eddo Brandes:”Because everytime I F*** your mother, she throws me a biscuit”
• Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed : “You can’t f**king bat”. Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: “Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t f**king bat & you can’t f**king bowl.”
• Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: “Tickets please”, Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
• Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. “This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.” Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture we just say f**k off.”
• And of course you can’t forget Ian Healy’s legendary comment that was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney… “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!”
• James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh…….. MW: “F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England” JO : “Maybe not, but at least i’m the best player in my family”
• McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: “So what does Brian Lara’s d*ck taste like?” Sarwan: “I don’t know. Ask your wife.” McGrath (losing it): “If you ever F*&king mention my wife again, I’ll F*ing rip your F**ing throat out.”
• Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player ( Adam Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark – “Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you’re fu*king useless now”.Parore- (Turning around) “Yeah, that’s me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you’ve married her. You dumb c*nt”.
• Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, “Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it.”
• Ravi Shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don’t remember who, and don’t want to slander anyone) shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single…this guy gets the ball in and says “if you leave the crease i’ll break your f***ing head” Shastri: “if you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn’t be the f***ing 12th man”
• Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall: “Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?”
• Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row’s legs. Fred doesn’t say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. “I should’ve kept my legs together, Fred”. “So should your mother” he replied.

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My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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The father tells his son..

• Well you see, it’s like this, I make the money and bring it home, so therefore I am the Capitalist
• Your mother manages and administers the money, so she is like the Government
• Your grandfather monitors and oversees things to make sure that everything is in order and running smoothly, so therefore he is like the Trade Union
• Our maid does all the manual labour around the house, so she is like the Working Class
• We all have a common purpose, namely your well being; consequently you are like the People and your little brother in diapers represents the Future

Do you understand my son?
The little boy thinks about it and tells his father that he’ll sleep on it and think about it some more…

During the night the little boy wakes up because his little brother has filled his diapers and is crying terrribly
Because the little boy isn’t sure what to do, he goes to his parents bedroom…

• He finds his mother lying in bed but because she is sleeping so soundly, he can’t seem to wake her up…
• So the boy proceeds to the maid’s room for assistance, where he finds his father in bed with the maid, while his grandfather is inconspicuously watching the action through a bedroom window
• Everyone is so occupied with what they are doing that they don’t even notice the little boy standing in front of them…
• So because no one comes to his aid,  the young lad decides to go back to bed again…

The next morning the father asks his son if he’d given more thought to the question of politics and if so, to explain in his own words how it works…

“Yes” answers the boy…

• The Capitalist screws the Working Class
• The Unions stand idly by and watch while the Government sleeps
• The People are completely ignored
• And the Future lies in Shit

That’s how Politics works

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