Imran Khan – imrank.org

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me-her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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A desperate husband tried to kill his mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile launcher after claiming she’d turned his wife against him. Bosnian Miroslav Miljici wanted revenge after blaming his wife’s mum for the break-up of his marriage. And when his mother-in-law survived the rocket attack on her home, he tried to finish her off with a machine gun, a court in Doboj, Bosnia, was told. Amazingly, she survived both attacks with barely a scratch, judges heard. In defence Miljici – jailed for six years for attempted murder – told the court he could no longer take his mother-in-law’s nagging.

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In a study of three-year-old used vehicles, Buick and Jaguar share the honor as the most dependable brands in automotive industry.

BUICK

JAGUAR XF

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A young boy asks his father…
Dad, how does  politics actually work?

The father tells his son..

• Well you see, it’s like this, I make the money and bring it home, so therefore I am the Capitalist
• Your mother manages and administers the money, so she is like the Government
• Your grandfather monitors and oversees things to make sure that everything is in order and running smoothly, so therefore he is like the Trade Union
• Our maid does all the manual labour around the house, so she is like the Working Class
• We all have a common purpose, namely your well being; consequently you are like the People and your little brother in diapers represents the Future

Do you understand my son?
The little boy thinks about it and tells his father that he’ll sleep on it and think about it some more…

During the night the little boy wakes up because his little brother has filled his diapers and is crying terrribly
Because the little boy isn’t sure what to do, he goes to his parents bedroom…

• He finds his mother lying in bed but because she is sleeping so soundly, he can’t seem to wake her up…
• So the boy proceeds to the maid’s room for assistance, where he finds his father in bed with the maid, while his grandfather is inconspicuously watching the action through a bedroom window
• Everyone is so occupied with what they are doing that they don’t even notice the little boy standing in front of them…
• So because no one comes to his aid,  the young lad decides to go back to bed again…

The next morning the father asks his son if he’d given more thought to the question of politics and if so, to explain in his own words how it works…

“Yes” answers the boy…

• The Capitalist screws the Working Class
• The Unions stand idly by and watch while the Government sleeps
• The People are completely ignored
• And the Future lies in Shit

That’s how Politics works

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A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts, Honey, could you fix the light in the hall way? It’s been flickering for weeks now.

He looked at her and says angrily, Fix the light now? Does it look like I have “POWERGEN”? I don’t think so!

Fine! Then wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.

To which he replied, Does it look like I have “FRIDGID AIRE” written on my forehead? I don’t think so!

Fine! She says. Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.

I am not a carpenter and I don’t want to fix steps. He says, does it look like I have “TAYLOR WOODROW” on my forehead? I don’t think so! I’ve had enough of this; I am going to the pub!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for couple of hours… He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how would all this get fixed? She said, well when you left I sat outside and cried, just then a nice young man asked me what was wring and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

Husband said, what kind of cake did you bake? She replied, hello… do you see “MR. KIPLING” written on my forehead. I don’t think so!

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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.

UNNEWS, Teh Intarwbe — Following months of eager anticipation from men and women across the world, UnNews has today announced the launch of UnValentine’s Day. UnNews’ chief propaganda executive, Dave, made the following statement from his underground cave in Sweden. “This momentous day will become a permanent fixture in the lives of countless millions of people, who for years have suffered in silence every February 14th.”

“But this day is not just for single losers who sit alone in their grotty bedsit with a warm plate of microwave macaroni, it is also for those unfortunate souls who remain trapped in pointless and doomed relationships.”

Dave has released a list of the types of people who are most likely to want to join in the celebrations of UnValentine’s Day:

• Men whose wives have put on more than two stone since they were married.
• Women whose husbands have put on more than three stone since they were married.
• Gay people.
• Couples who have sex only three times a year (two birthdays and Valentine’s Day).
• People who plan to leave their partners right after Valentine’s Day .
• Married couples who stay together ‘for the kids’.

Those who wish to partake in UnValentine’s Day are being advised to try one or more of the following activities:

• Send someone you hate an UnValentine’s card, to show them just how much you hate them.
• Rather than chocolates and flowers, send a bag full of razor blades, or put small pieces of glass in some chocolate. Use your imagination.
• For men who fall into categories one or six above, refuse to go to that expensive restaurant on February 14th, and spend the money on a case of Stella instead. You can then enjoy a restful evening by the TV.
• For women who fall into category four, let him spend all his hard earned cash in that expensive restaurant but keep those legs firmly shut when it comes to bedtime. You may need a good excuse, so try to think of something more believable than the usual ‘headache’. Herpes should work in this instance.
• For women whose husbands choose to enjoy a restful evening by the TV with a can of Stella on Thursday, try having an affair, possibly with your local UnNews reporter.

As well as being embraced by the working classes across the globe, UnValentine’s Day has also attracted much attention from politicians and celebrities, with a number of well known faces intending to participate. These include President George W Bush, who will send an UnValentine’s card to every single American citizen, and Paul McCartney, who plans to punch Heather in the face.

Source: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/

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A GYM in London has replaced its dumbbells with human weights – including dwarves who shout encouragement to motivate exercise.

Gymbox at Bank – in the centre of the capital’s financial district – today introduced its bizarre fitness regime with human weights ranging from a 155kg man to a 30kg female.

The human dumbbells wear black leotards with their weights printed across their chests and sit on adapted machines to let the weightlifter visualise what they are lifting.

Gymbox owner Richard Hilton said it wasn’t a gimmick but rather about having a human weightlifting device as the “ultimate embodiment of visualisation theory”.

“Creating a mental image or intention of what you want to happen or feel is proven to improve physical and psychological performance,” Mr Hilton said.

“We’re optimistic our members will see better results with our new human weight machine.”

The gym boss said the troupe would also shout encouragement.

The human weights range from “Dainty Diva” Arti Shah, 32, who weighs just 30kg, up to “Super Human” Matt Barnard, 37, who weighs 155kg. Other men and women in between weigh 55, 65 and 75 kilograms.

The gym has also been offering classes called “‘chav fighting” and “WAG workouts” designed to make women more attractive to footballers.

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There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fences will never the same.

When you say things in anger they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there. “A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends! How much you care.

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Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…..

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.

Mommy fainted!

The moral of the story is:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

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A jobless man applied for the position of “office boy” at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor. “You are engaged” he said, give me your email address, and I will send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start. The man replied “I don’t have a computer, neither an email”. I am sorry, said the HR manager, if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist and who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.

The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only 10 US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours. He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubles or triples every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the U.S. He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chooses a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email address. The man replied: “I don’t have an email address”. The broker replied curiously, you don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email? The man thought for a while, and replied: an office boy at Microsoft!

The moral of this story:

1. Internet is not the solution to your life.
2. If you don’t have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
3. If you received this message by email, you are closer to be an office boy, rather than a millionaire. Have a great day.

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