Imran Khan – imrank.org

A young boy asks his father…
Dad, how does  politics actually work?

The father tells his son..

• Well you see, it’s like this, I make the money and bring it home, so therefore I am the Capitalist
• Your mother manages and administers the money, so she is like the Government
• Your grandfather monitors and oversees things to make sure that everything is in order and running smoothly, so therefore he is like the Trade Union
• Our maid does all the manual labour around the house, so she is like the Working Class
• We all have a common purpose, namely your well being; consequently you are like the People and your little brother in diapers represents the Future

Do you understand my son?
The little boy thinks about it and tells his father that he’ll sleep on it and think about it some more…

During the night the little boy wakes up because his little brother has filled his diapers and is crying terrribly
Because the little boy isn’t sure what to do, he goes to his parents bedroom…

• He finds his mother lying in bed but because she is sleeping so soundly, he can’t seem to wake her up…
• So the boy proceeds to the maid’s room for assistance, where he finds his father in bed with the maid, while his grandfather is inconspicuously watching the action through a bedroom window
• Everyone is so occupied with what they are doing that they don’t even notice the little boy standing in front of them…
• So because no one comes to his aid,  the young lad decides to go back to bed again…

The next morning the father asks his son if he’d given more thought to the question of politics and if so, to explain in his own words how it works…

“Yes” answers the boy…

• The Capitalist screws the Working Class
• The Unions stand idly by and watch while the Government sleeps
• The People are completely ignored
• And the Future lies in Shit

That’s how Politics works

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UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and
‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is
the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The …?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What’s 11 squared?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . .
Contestant: Er . ..
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world’s largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … er…
er … three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er …. Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That’s close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

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Bakery Employee: Hello dis da Bakery, how can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.

Bakery Employee: Whatchu want ondacake?

Customer: “Best Wishes Suzanne”. And underneath that “We will miss you”.

Ha ha ha

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Angel said: “I can’t be everywhere to help you…so mother was created”

Devil Replied: “Me too, I can’t be everywhere so I created MOTHER IN LAW”

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If A Barber Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW STYLE

If A Driver Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW PATH

If An Engineer Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW VENTURE

If Parents Make A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW GENERATION

If A Politician Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW LAW

If A Scientist Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW INVENTION

If A Tailor Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW INVENTION

If A Teacher Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW THEORY

If Our Boss Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW IDEA

If An Employee Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
“BIG F##K UP”

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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required  pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%..
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the bullshit!

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Last week was my birthday and i didn’t feel very well, waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me as it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just You and Me.”

I said, “thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. let’s go!” We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two Martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I responded, “I guess not. what do you have in mind?” she said, “let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.” “OK.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there on the couch… NAKED.

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