Imran Khan – imrank.org

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“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.”

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Bakery Employee: Hello dis da Bakery, how can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.

Bakery Employee: Whatchu want ondacake?

Customer: “Best Wishes Suzanne”. And underneath that “We will miss you”.

Ha ha ha

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They call me a man, but I will never have a wife.

I was given a body, but not a life.

They made me a mouth, but didn’t give me breath.

Water gives me life, but sun brings me death.

Who am I?

Post your answer if you are smart enough.

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Angel said: “I can’t be everywhere to help you…so mother was created”

Devil Replied: “Me too, I can’t be everywhere so I created MOTHER IN LAW”

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If A Barber Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW STYLE

If A Driver Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW PATH

If An Engineer Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW VENTURE

If Parents Make A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW GENERATION

If A Politician Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW LAW

If A Scientist Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW INVENTION

If A Tailor Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW INVENTION

If A Teacher Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW THEORY

If Our Boss Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
NEW IDEA

If An Employee Makes A Mistake, It’s A…
“BIG F##K UP”

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Video of my son Ali Khan’s Birthday on the 5th of March 2009 – the card appeared on Cbeebies (BBC).

Special thanks to my wife who put in a lot of effort to make such a nice card.

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My dear X Singh,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

I’m writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I won’t be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I’m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club’s poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love – Mom.

P.S. X Singh, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

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Over the past months I have forwarded funny pictures and jokes to friends and relatives whom I thought shared the same sense of humour.
 
Unfortunately this appears not to have been the case and I may have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.

From now on I will only send email’s with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.

Below, you’ll find a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris .

For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build.

Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. ‘Le Pont Neuf’ is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches.  

Fascinating.

Oops !

From where did she came from! May be, she was just passing by and got attracted by beautiful flowers.

Now you cannot count this as my mistake.

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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required  pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%..
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the bullshit!

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