Imran Khan – imrank.org

If these are true, then they are very amusing indeed!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

—————–

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

—————–

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

—————–

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

—————–

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

—————–

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

—————–

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

—————–

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

—————–

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

—————–

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

—————–

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….

—————–

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

—————–

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

—————–

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

—————–

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depositionnotice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

—————–

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on deadpeople?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

—————–

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

—————–

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy on him!

—————–

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

—————–

And this…. well what can I say…

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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Last week was my birthday and i didn’t feel very well, waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me as it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just You and Me.”

I said, “thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. let’s go!” We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two Martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I responded, “I guess not. what do you have in mind?” she said, “let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.” “OK.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there on the couch… NAKED.

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Bug 1
Nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as “CON”. This is something pretty cool and unbelievable. At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn’t answer why this happened!

Try it now and let me know.

Bug 2
For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1) Open an empty notepad file
2) Type “Bush hid the facts” (without the quotes)
3) Save it as whatever you want.
4) Close it, and re-open it.

Is it just a really weird bug?

Bug 3
This is something pretty cool and neat and unbelievable. At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn’t answer why this happened!

It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself…

Open Microsoft Word and type
=rand (200, 99)
and then press ENTER

See the magic

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A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, ‘Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

‘The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.’ The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that all men and I could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?’

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There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fences will never the same.

When you say things in anger they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there. “A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends! How much you care.

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Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…..

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.

Mommy fainted!

The moral of the story is:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

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A jobless man applied for the position of “office boy” at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor. “You are engaged” he said, give me your email address, and I will send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start. The man replied “I don’t have a computer, neither an email”. I am sorry, said the HR manager, if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist and who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.

The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only 10 US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours. He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubles or triples every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the U.S. He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chooses a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email address. The man replied: “I don’t have an email address”. The broker replied curiously, you don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email? The man thought for a while, and replied: an office boy at Microsoft!

The moral of this story:

1. Internet is not the solution to your life.
2. If you don’t have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
3. If you received this message by email, you are closer to be an office boy, rather than a millionaire. Have a great day.

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Download vegetable fun power point file and enjoy.

Click here to download file.

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Remember all those long hours during our school experience that we spent on memorizing how to spell words correctly.  The next example shows us that we may have wasted a lot of time in class and at home.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mind deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

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If you were asked to list the Seven Wonders of the World, what would your response be?  Would you answer as the first group of students did?

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.”

Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal 
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal 
5. Empire State Building  
6. St. Peter’s Basilica  
7. China’s Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, “Yes, a little.  I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.”
 
The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.”

The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the ‘Seven Wonders of the World’ are:

1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love.

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!   A gentle reminder – that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

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